Can I be both, servant and slave?
I recently read this and that written by Regan. Go read her post. I'll wait. Trust me, it's that good. I know, some of you have already read it . . . I read your comments and I figured something out: we're all in this boat together. We've all been there . . . and we'll all be there again. By "there" I mean: put upon.
I read her post and just about burst into tears. Okay, I sniggered some snot back and wiped away my tears. I admit, I have so been in her shoes. Slowly, by the grace of God, I was made to realize by sharp rebuke of how badly I handle such situations. The difference between myself and Regan in this story is: she actually let people in and served them (and let them serve her back, which most will do if you let them) and I did not allow for any exchanges.
Case in point: what I'm about to tell you.
A few years ago, during Advent, we had a priest who was Puerto Rican (born in NY, but you can't really separate your heritage). He was really into big productions (Passion Plays and the like). During Advent he asked people to volunteer hosting a gathering for Mass (or prayer service) and dinner on every Friday of Advent. I, of course, signed on and got the last Friday (meaning: a few measly days before Christmas . . .) which left me annoyed. Why? NO ONE RSVP'd so I would know how much food to make and so on. I kept it simple in that I made a baked ziti and had some desserts made. Maybe I could feed my family of five and add five or six more. I remember just thinking there would not be enough if everyone showed up. But no one let me know whether they were or not, except a few, which almost did not come. These few days before Christmas, people were leaving town and really getting into their own celebrations. One family came (that I can remember) and Father came. Perhaps a few others, but not many. More would have been here had I just opened MY heart. When Father was on his way here, he called and asked if the Spanish congregants could come . . . very last minute and I went bonkers and closed my heart off to these wonderful people - some of whom had me in their homes!! All because I feared there would not be enough - and really, the LACK was MY own heart!!
I was chastened to my core. How? By Whom? God, of course, because He illumined my heart to me. He allowed me to see the black stains on it - He allowed me to fess up to myself. It hurts! It hurts to see myself not being generous with my time, talents, and money. It just does - and this "no" to my fellow parishioners was just inexcusable. The evening had a "sour" note to it and it just wasn't as happy as it could have been - everyone there knew I'd said "no" - their absence hung in the air!
I've had many occasions to think over my actions since then and have come to the conclusion: the problem was with me. I said "NO" to being generous.
I will never not open my door again - If my heart is the Lord's I have no business turning away His other children. He came to serve . . . isn't it the same of me?
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4 comments:
sarah, we are servants and slaves. we just have to know when GOD requires which role of us. most people in my husbands' family quite possibly think me very snobby and persnickety due to my values and ideas, which keeps them away most of the time, but i have learned thru the years that when the OPPORTUNITY arises to show a little love and compassion, and possibly throwing in a lesson here and there, it usually means doing so at my own expense-read humbling myself by NOT throwing a fit-like a part of me wanted to do that afternoon-i am an only child-you see-and i have been told on occasion that i don't understand how "necessary" it is to pay visits and "be hospitable" to these siblings which i have gained thru my marriage to a man with 4 sisters and 1 brother. and it is especially hard when i happen to be the only one who stays at home, homeschools, and actually enjoys playing suzy homemaker. but then again you can't choose your family or the circumstances in your life that our LORD chooses to USE as HE so desires.....
hence the offering-here i am, do with me what YOU will, make me a slave some days and a servant other days and some days both....as long as i am always doing it for YOUR glory, LORD....
now go wipe your nose and make another cute dolly!!!
=)
hugs,
me
ps. AND i am glad to know that you have black stains on your heart too, because i am only friends with people with black stains on their hearts....
Thanks to both of your girls for illuminating my blackness. I can only pray and hope that you have both graciously SERVED me! And by that I mean that the next time I am about to fall into this pit of my own making I will remember your examples and how I have know thought to replay them if they should happen to me.
Yoo've been a servant to me and I am grateful, Pray that I don't fail you.
Fear of not having enough is not so uncommon...yet, we look with our eyes at what we have and not at our God who is the true provider. I've been where you were and it's so hard to just let it go and share what little there may be, but in doing so we close ourselves off from the graces He would have bestowed, and the building of relationships which are far more 'heartily enjoyed' than food.
You are lighting a beacon of change, Sarah...God is using you. Bless you so much!!
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