This post is going to take me some time. It will not be the definitive on the subject of friendships. After all, we continue to learn more about them day by day.
Friends make life . . . . fuller.
Friends can make life . . . deflate.
Friends are an interesting breed.
Friends are or should be a blessing.
Keep in mind: it takes two to tango, yeah? So, if you're not being a friend (in the better, most sincere meaning of the word), you won't have many.
Friend is a verb and a noun. Just like love. Okay?
St. Francis de Sales in The Introduction to the Devout Life has much to say about friendship. What is friendship? What is good and what is wrong about certain friendships? Let's look at what he says (my paraphrasing). He says that friendship is mutual love and that there must be some communication as the groundwork of friendship. The communication varies - dictating the friendship so to speak. What I think he's saying is that we have people we call acquaintances, colleagues, friends. There are levels - but really, it breaks down to the way we use the word "love". We can love a hamburger, we can love a hamburger to the point we painfully miss them when we have to leave them be (as in days of abstinence - or - dietary reasons); we can love a particular clothing item in our wardrobe. We can "love" many things, but if we are to take the word at God's literal meaning: we would love very few people. Love wasn't meant for things, but for God and people. See? God, this is hard to break down. We can like just about anyone, but we shouldn't give anyone the title friend without meaning it and being true to it. Just to be perfectly clear: I should not consider our mail carrier a friend just because she is friendly and exchanges familiar words with me at the post box on chance encounters, as I should not consider my neighbour a friend if I'm not being invited to supper or doing the inviting myself. See? This should be easy. But, many people get lost in translations. We must be a weird generation to those of my parents. Familiarity DOES breed contempt. Some of the time. I digress.
I have to digress here. This is important. Call me old-fashioned, but the way I was raised was to address people by how they prefer to be named. If Deborah wants to be called Deb, I'll know that by the way she's introduced to me. If we become friends later, she'll let me know if there's a preference later. Luckily, I have a boring ass name you can't shorten at all; but, you can call me Betty (apparently; where the heck did anyone get Betty out of Sarah???). Okay, so all the young kids coming up call me Miss Sarah. I bloody loathe it. I am a MRS. dernnit - and I earned that Mrs.!! BUT, I have so many parents and teachers that make it okay for the kid to choose to call me by my first name - against my wishes!! Can I get a resounding Bloody Hell, here? I have TWO friends who respect me on this, and, I so appreciate it. I had one mother tell me I didn't have a say as she told her kids what to call me. Some say the MISS is appropriate - well, I don't like it. If I was a MISS I would be available to take on a MRS. Familiarity breeds contempt. That is what I meant.
Back to friendships.
Page 167: Friendship arising from the mere gratification of the senses is utterly gross and unworthy of that name, as is that arising from vain and superficial merits which also depend upon the senses only. This is calling someone a friend merely because they have good tastes in things or can dance well - it's really rather admiring someone, but not a basis for friendship. I took this to mean that many times we like folks and call them friend as long as it is convenient and beneficial for us to do so. What am I getting out of this?
The next section talks about flirtations. Between men and women that are unmarried; unavailable etc.. I'm not going to cover that other than if you are single and are flirting (exciting many - and even just one person's interests in you for a relationship that promises marriage and you never intend for marriage or relationship - it is wrong and dangerous).
On true friendship our Saint tells us this: I would bid you to love every one with the love of charity, but have no friendship save with those who can interchange virtuous love with you, since the more our friendship stands on the foundation of virtue, the more perfect it will be.
He counsels that we ought to give up bad friendships. Of course! And, as many of you know, it's so dern difficult to do this! So, this is where we will roll up our sleeves.
You should love everyone - they are your brothers and sisters in Christ.
Not everyone will be your friend.
Friends are here for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. We've all heard it or read it or said it. Why? Because it is true.
A reason: These are not bad friendships; they happen to be the kind of friendships that I believe we are graced with to help us or help them learn something God wants us to learn - about sacrifice, sharing, getting through an illness . . . supporting etc. Just because they don't last does not mean they lack meaning.
A season: Like, the ones you have in high school. Some last a few years out, but melt away as your new life starts to take you in different directions and you (and they) start meeting new folks. These are also not bad friendships - just the kind to balance you out and help you gage the temperature of your new relationships.
A lifetime: The rare ones. The friends who are there for you and you are there for them. No explanation necessary. Right? These are usually the GEM friendships. You may disagree or fight from time to time, but both of you feel like you have half a life if either of you disappears. It's deeper than any other "friendship". I think this is what our Saint is saying: these are real and true virtuous friendships. The kind of person who can bring you back to the reality of yourself - the meaning of who you are - will lift you up and bring you down again 'cos they would take a bullet for you - they want you to be the best version of yourself. That is friendship.
The hard part. The reason and season "friends" are the ones who for some reason or other bother us the most. We don't really have a reason NOT to like the person any more, but our lives have obviously gone in different directions and when we do see one another, the friction is just like having to wear thong underwear - hard to get out of the cracks, yeah? You can't pinpoint what exactly is irritating you, but it just does. You can't take those glossy and Lacy thongs off 'cos you gave Victoria's Secret half your paycheck for them . . . I mean, some friends make you a sacrifice like that. It can be hard when some friends demand that kind of suffering from you. Here's what I think though: only you can decide if this is a "friendship" that is lifetime or not . . . the lifetime friends, well, you can tell them they're riding a little high on your arse, right? Not true with the new ones or the ones we have known forever and a day. By the way knowing someone a long time does not mean you have to continue being friends with them. Time changes things a lot. But, some of the arse riding friends are worth it - because they aren't always pulling us apart. Nor are we always pulling them apart. The wedges unwedge gracefully. You are both willing to keep going - there's still too much fun to be had.
Some of the time it isn't the way we are or the way we think or operate, but we can sense or really tell that someone is not considering us a friend any longer. You get more brush offs than a person who should be using Head & Shoulders. Am I right?
But the brush offs I get are usually from people I was starting to think of as friends that were actually more acquaintances and reasons than my heartfelt hopes lead me to believe. My hindsight is better now that I'm older. It still hurts when I get rejected. Rejection hurts, that's why. But I'm a really great person! People should be queueing up to be my friend! Well, yes and no. We all want to surround ourselves with friends who love us for being us - and we should want to be with friends who we love as themselves.
In today's world, I think it is hard to find people who will make time for genuine friendship. Our time is so fractured that friends aren't what friends used to be. Hence the call everything "love" call everyone "friend" and it's quite compactly PC, yeah? I do not want to concern myself with being PC - for the sake of surrounding myself with just people.
Friendships should never be about the numbers.
If you find yourself with some "friends" who are shying away from you, I wouldn't work too hard at finding out why they are shying away. I would make very general inquiries, because I have called it wrong on a few occasions; you know, when a friend is just gravely busy with the young kids, appointments, soccer, music, dance, and dinners, and let's not forget the house and husband. Most of the time, our busyness is what causes the stalemate in friendships. But like a marriage, a friendship needs nurturing and part of nurturing is letting go. Without bitterness, without anger, without pitying yourself. It may not be about YOU at all.
Many times when I think about being neglected or rejected, the only person I am concerned with is ME. Moi, 'cos I'm just so unbelievably awesome. NOT! I mean, I am pretty great, but only to the select few who want to bother and take a gamble. I like everyone - really. Well, pretty much.
I live by the rule of being a friend first. Then I pray. I invite - I take "no" at it's face value. It's okay, because I can't make people like me. I'm okay with that. I've come to the realization I can't please everyone (and that used to really bother me!). Everyone can't please me, either. It's a double-edge sword. People are free to love, like or hate whom they choose. In the manner they choose (obviously, not resorting to tomfoolery, evil acts, etc., as it sometimes does). If I do not like someone I am not going to go out of my way to let them know it. If I do like someone I will make an effort at extending invitations to get to know me etc. If it starts to go somewhere and then sputters out, whatever. I can't control everything. And, it comes back to: is this about me again?
It's not about whether a friend brings joy to your life - as they undoubtedly will (pain, too) - it should be about you bringing joy to them. If they never appreciate it or acknowledge you, you may want to step back and maybe away. I would not martyr myself for my acquaintances - and I have found I have far more of those little delights in my life (I call them petite fours) than true delish delights (cake - chocolate cake).
Learn to enjoy people right where they are at. You'll be happier in the long run.
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13 comments:
I didn't mean ya had to go and write about the friendship talked about by St. Francis De Sales, TODAY! What an amazing post... I don't have much time to write, but it'll take me a while to think about all you've written anyway. Your post makes me want to delve into the book even more than when it was first brought to my attention.
Wow, Sarah! There is a lot to chew on here, isn't there! This is truly an amazing post that I am going to need to think about. I agree with Suzie, tho, I want the book!!!
Every time someone quotes from this book I realize I need to read it.
And...man! You ARE a chatty Cathy of late. Lots to think about in these posts. I tend to call everyone friend but perhaps I am not really a real friend to any of them. I don't feel like I really have the time to be that deep of a friend. I "give" myself to my family, so this has me thinking about GEMS.
You are a very generous person Sarah/Betty/badadonga thong! :)
wow!! this is a really excellent post and well worth the read, I really enjoy your writing:)
This is a good post, Sarah. I have a Matthew Kelly CD in which he says it's good to take stock of our friendships and acquaintances - if a person is a true friend, they will challenge you to be the best person you can be. If they don't do that - if they drag you down or guide you away from who you are as a person (intentionally or not, it doesn't matter), or are a bad influence in any way - then why call those people "friends"?
"Friend" is a term that is bandied about all too liberally nowadays, at the risk of hurting someone's feelings, or for lack of a decent vocabulary. I think if someone calls me their friend, it puts an obligation on me that I may not be ready to assume, and I may never reach that point with that person. It's unfair, in a way.
I can count on one hand the number of friends (not including my wife - she's more than a friend!) that I can call at any time, and they would be willing to help (to a certain degree, obviously - they have a life and responsibilities too) if I needed it; and I would do the same for them.
Keep up the good writing - your style flows and has a comfortable sound to it. Sure, it ain't Chestertonian (who's is, when you come down to it?), but it's real and authentic.
Dang - this is probably the longest comment I've ever written!
Suzie - but in my earlier post (a long one, too, sorry) I had said I was going to. I did it and boy, I wrote more than I thought I would - I actually had to stop myself. I think it's good w/out my personal experiences, don't you? I think it's pretty clear.
Therese - you and Suzie: get the book. It sat on my shelf three years now . . . and I just picked it up before Lent started. It may become a friend. He he he.
+JMJ+ - I am a bit chatty today. I love your naming me that. It made me laugh. The book is worth the ten dollar investment - but I bet you can find it on someone's shelf and get it free. It is one you can put down, which is why I started it and put it down . . . but then, I truly believe that many of these spiritual exercises come to us when God says it's time - when He knows He is going to get to us.
Tracey - thank you.
LarryD - The mighty smiter! Just kidding. I appreciate your very kind comments, here, especially since I find your style of writing so far better than mine - I'm chuffed (pleased). I admire Matthew Kelly's writing - I have a few of his books that have helped me sort through life. He's inspiring and spot on. Your comment about being called a friend and it is like an unwanted obligation - yes! This is what I meant that people use the term so loosely, like "love", that it has lost all meaning (in a sense). I'm honored this may have been your longest comment ever. Nah nah nah Creative Minority Report guys. Just kidding. I may not live it down if they start making fun of me. The trio of you - painfully funny! My hats off to all three of you.
I'm glad I waited till the morn to read and ponder this. I will more.
I know we have a book by him, but I have to look for it. I hope it is the one you mention. I bought it for Danny a long time ago..or I would have passed through it.
As you know, this post touched me strongly. Its been a tender time for me, like a bruise. Still, I will continue to pray about it and choose to remember the good times and let go of the more "confused" times. The old buddy I mentioned is a good person and dedicated and loves her family. I think I am beginning to come to an understanding of what went wrong and unfortunately, I cannot change what I feel about some of the most important issues and just act like they don't exist. In our "friendship," its as if some things were never to be discussed.
I cannot live like that and believe me, I wasn't really discussing them in the first place and we don't even live in the same city. I think her life has become very busy..she works full time, is married, has three adult children and almost 4 grandchildren now..I can make alot of excuses. What I have had a hard time with, was how I was cut off. I can forgive..that is not the issue, its just it would have been much kinder to have just let the connections just ease off ... not just be ignored. There is another friend, who I grew up with and mostly our problems have been because of that separation. Hard times and good times have come and gone and we've missed out on some things to help one another through..esp. the hard times, but I let her know that I felt badly about that..I was the one who moved away. She seems okay with that too, but there our connection is almost like big sister/younger sister and there is this kind of love that is just there, yet, I still desire to hear more from her.
I will be calling her, perhaps this weekend because I feel I need to express about some of this and let her know that I need to understand where we are in our friendship. I don't want to whine on her shoulder esp., but I do want her to know that I treasure this and I am here as I've always been in prayer even when we could not visit more verbally or as in a visit.
This post has led me to sit down and take a long look at the connections I have today here, where I live and just think about how I can enjoy and appreciate them..where I am at, as you said toward the end. I need to challenge and allow myself to be challenged to be the better version of myself...you know, Matthew backed down due to a friend's advice from be the best version of yourself to the better.
I think this is good..it helps the other seem more achievable, ya know?
Thanks, Sarah and even if I lost track of you, I do consider you and a few others here as true friends for the lessons I learn from your challenges, well, many of them, should be lifetime efforts and so...there ya go! :)
PS I will also always consider those who are willing to pray for me..a stranger basically..even one sincere time..a true friend because they see me as a sister in Christ..and that is a forever in the heart.
Guess what? I found the book and yes, it is Intro. to the Devout Life..isn't if funny?! My daughter is also in need of reading this whole "friendship" part because she is in love with someone who is going to seminary. They are very close in their "friendship." This may help her understand the boundaries too and to decide if she wants to move somethings along..until, she sees what all is going to occur. It is a tough situation, but hey..she happens to love the quotes she has of St. Francis de Sales. So...thanks again..must be meant to be around here.
Suz - wow! I'll keep your girl in my prayers. I'm sure she does not want to be a stumbling block for this young man. If he's still set on going to seminary etc., he's probably very clear in his intentions with her - she may make him feel uncomfortable. It's hard to be with "friends" that can't let go of an idea . . . Much to pray about! And, I will say that de Sales is mostly referring to male and female friendships in his writings, but easily applied to all friendships. She ought to read it - puts it all into perspective.
Oh, she is reading it. Actually,
I think this young man is just innocent and kind enough not to really "get" how much she loves him.
I truly think that if he didn't think he had a "call," they would possibly be dating now. It is something to pray about, but in time, she will adjust, I think and I told her, I'd always treasure and try to enjoy the wonderful true friendship that is there and I think will always be there. Still, pray for her, because she knows she has to let go more eventually...no..she doesn't want to be a stumbling block..she would have been a much more active flirt had she not cared about interfering. Its tough. Still, I told her to pray. I know a few who stood firm and prayed and eventually some wonderful men came into their lives and then there goes the rest of those stories. So she smiled and looked a little hopeful again. God love her. I just want to hug her all the time to make the hurt go away, but we can only do so much. Thanks for your offering to pray..I know she would appreciate it.
Oh, she is reading it. Actually,
I think this young man is just innocent and kind enough not to really "get" how much she loves him.
I truly think that if he didn't think he had a "call," they would possibly be dating now. It is something to pray about, but in time, she will adjust, I think and I told her, I'd always treasure and try to enjoy the wonderful true friendship that is there and I think will always be there. Still, pray for her, because she knows she has to let go more eventually...no..she doesn't want to be a stumbling block..she would have been a much more active flirt had she not cared about interfering. Its tough. Still, I told her to pray. I know a few who stood firm and prayed and eventually some wonderful men came into their lives and then there goes the rest of those stories. So she smiled and looked a little hopeful again. God love her. I just want to hug her all the time to make the hurt go away, but we can only do so much. Thanks for your offering to pray..I know she would appreciate it.
whats wrong with sarah? i like the name (so much so that #4 is a sarah) so pfht to you!
and WE do the whole ms sarah thing but i do leave it up to the moms. i like the slightly more formal than the kids just saying 'yo, sarah' but not so formal that you have to be mrs. smith. though mrs sarah is fine and i do leave it up to the parents (if one wants to be called mrs. smith then the kids shall call her that, you stuffy old broad) ;)
r
Regina - you always make me smile!!
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