Observations

Many bloggers I read suffer from some form of depression or another, in varying degrees and intensities. I have felt depressed, but I can honestly and thankfully say I haven't ever been depressed in the clinical sense or anywhere near that. My thought processes run deep on this issue. Having a mother that has suffered severe depression - witnessing the severe mood swings . . . We think it's a classic case of bi-polar but she's never been "diagnosed". I applaud folks for calling it what it is, talking and writing about it, and doing something about it.

When I look at my life I think I could get pretty dern depressed and stay that way a long time. But, since there's nothing chemical in my brain working to the contrary, I seem to get out of those feelings quite quickly. It may be a reaction I have to depression: get off my duff and do something for someone else. Period. MOVE. DO. GO. RUN. Anything but sit and wallow in it. I wonder if the proper term would be discouraged rather than depressed. I get discouraged many a time and feel down in the dumps by my inabilities and weaknesses. I believe folks who are genuinely depressed can't get out on their own many a time - they seek help. Thank God they seek help as nothing and no one is helpless. I have to believe that, you see. It's how I survive: believing in the best of things, times, and people.

The only constant in my life is Our Lord - my Faith. I've been sifted, too, not unlike many of you. If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it, yeah? I have more reason to trust Him than not. My life has taught me that much. Thankfully - as I'm fully aware it could be radically different - my life lessons have brought me to a deep and abiding prayer life. I have dear old depressed and wacko mum to thank for that. She's always prayed for us and always went to church. It was obvious growing up that God was her number one priority and she put our lives in His care all the time. Witnessing that influenced me in good ways. I learned to talk to God like I would talk to my parents (if they were clued in at the moment - what parent ever is 100% available?). I started to tell God everything.

There's no shame in feeling sorrow over those who have passed away and have been gone an hour or even years. I feel pangs in my chest when I see pictures of my grandpa or my father-in-law or when I hear about people I don't even know dying in house fires. But if there's one thing I can't stand is when reporters or people say "they were so young, they barely had a chance to live at all". Well, bloody hell. I knew a boy who died from leukemia when I was in high school (I think - it was a long time ago) and he was a year younger. His name was Bruce. He was twelve and he suffered much, but he smiled every time I saw him! He had joy; unbelievable joy! I knew he was happy - he said so, he lived so. When people minimize his life by saying he barely lived - what are they saying? He couldn't be happy in his short life because he wasn't going to get married, have kids, go to college, travel Europe? Believe me, he knew better than anyone that life doesn't guarantee any of those things - not for everyone. His life was "right now" and very much enjoyed.

I've undergone five ear surgeries. The final one was when I was fifteen. That time I had the bones in my inner ear reconstructed and a benign cyst removed from my right ear. The things I was told might happen as a result of the surgeries - the worst being death - caused me great concern. I didn't want to die and I didn't want to suffer with my face losing any muscle control, and I certainly didn't want to be deaf. Those were real risks. But you know what? Even a fifteen-year-old knows that in life some things are necessary and worth risking. It's life! You do what you gotta do!

Do I want to die? No, not really. For me, though, if I dwell on regrets and loss, I'm already one foot in the grave. I don't want to live like that. I want to live right where I am at - even with all the disappointments and hurts - I never feel more acutely alive than when I'm suffering something or other.

When I am at Mass, I bring all of this to Him. In my line of thinking, He's probably sick of the same offerings, but I know in my heart that's not true. He is grateful we come to Him - over and over. It's our intentions that get His attention. Are we giving all of ourselves to Him?

It's our intentions that get His attention.

I pray that for those of you who suffer this dark cloud, for whatever reason, that you find Him and trust Him with your life and with the lives of those you love. Remember that He loves you and them more than we can ever love one another. Live your life authentically in Him, with Him, and through Him . . . it's very difficult to be dissatisfied with a life that's accepted and cherished as a gift.

And, please understand that I know different autoimmune diseases and chemical imbalances can keep a person trapped in depression - I know that. I think it's terrible and I cannot imagine what one suffers when they suffer that. I've witnessed my own mother's long dark nights - it was very frightening to witness this as a child. My siblings and I thought our mother was crazy! And, I can't speak for my siblings, but as a child I used to wish God would give me her problems so she could be happy and normal all the time. I just didn't want her to hurt any more. Believe me, I want the same for all of you who suffer from depression. I wish I could take it all away - how very romantic of me, yeah? Well, I can't help being this way - I feel deep compassion for people. I just think some times it's just serious disappointment we're suffering from - letting loss take us to dark places. God is a God of Hope!

Go out on that branch - that's where the fruit is! Surround yourself with laughter and eventually you'll laugh, too. You have this knowing inside of you, that you know depression isn't normal and you need to change but feel helpless to do so . . . take that knowing inside of you and FIGHT. Never give up!

Addendum: Let me also add that my ear troubles as a youth revisit me OFTEN in my adulthood. It totally sucks. Yes, I said sucks. There are other words for it, but dern it, it just sucks. It stinks! I can't stand it that I have to suffer this chronic crap my whole life. It's a burden and a pain! I want to hear everyone the FIRST time . . . some times, like now when I have a cold and it's living in my ears, it's not until the FIFTH time that I get all of what you may tell me . . . if you stick around and are patient or I haven't given up and barked you down! I could easily get discouraged. Some times I am! Remember the film Immortal Beloved about Beethoven and the woman he loved told him she was with (his) child and he didn't hear her and brushed her off? His unhappiness and bitterness at not being able to hear/communicate? I bawled my eyes out watching this film - his deafness was likely due to his father boxing his ears as a youth. Can you imagine? He went on to write beautiful, memorable, timeless music . . . but he couldn't hear and lost the music of his life. It is all too easy to become embroiled in bitterness at ones lot in life. Mine is hearing loss and colds that always go in my ears and I suffer worse hearing loss for about two weeks. It stinks! But, I learned something one time when my hearing loss was so acute I was literally deaf as a doornail (whatever the hell that means - hey, I heard that growing up!). I was pregnant with my girl. Ironically, I went deaf the morning after I watched Immortal Beloved! It also happened to be the day after my birthday. October 15th, I was deaf as a doornail. Teenie Tiny wasn't due until December 10th - I did not have her sectioned out until December 20th! I was DEAF a.long.time. I learned that it's just as frustrating for those around you - especially the ones who love you - and that being deaf is not the end of the world. And, I did not have to be a monster just because I was feeling sorry for myself over my plight.

So, right now my ears are stuffed - but I've never been as deaf as I was those last few months I was pregnant with my girl. That was awful. But, it also didn't kill me. It taught me something valuable - to pay attention and listen and wait for the Lord. It taught me to be still. When the Bible says to be still and wait for the Lord, the Bible isn't saying don't move. On the contrary. If you're in physical danger, you should move your ass! But the stillness is the calm and assurance of God's love for you - no matter what the crisis.