The Agony in the Garden

You who tend to lose heart, I will tell you something that is very consoling: when a person does what he can, God will not deny his grace. Our Lord is a Father, and if, in the silence of his heart, one of his sons says to him: 'My Father in Heaven, here I am, help me . . . ' If he goes to the Mother of God, who is our Mother, he will get through. Josemaria Escriva, The Way of the Cross, Tenth Station, 3

I had a terrible time coming out of the stressful situation the other day. I thank all of you who stopped a moment to pray for me (and the family here). The stress is coming from so many different places that I just about went over the edge into the abyss of some unnamed hell. I am better, and, that dear friends, is because instead of running straight into that unnamed hell, I turned to God immediately. Still, I had a few tweaked moments where, I am ashamed to admit, I "lost it" and pulled a PC and its desk completely over in the PC area. The kids eyes popped for sure. I did this with extreme care, though, so nothing would break (I hoped!). My point was that I was VERY angry and disappointed that the PC was more important to SB than anyone else. Period. Also, I wanted to demonstrate that when one acts outlandishly in anger, they A) look really foolish, B) do very foolish things, C) usually break things - and people - in the process. The PC area and the kids and myself all survived the upheaval. And, my point was well-taken. Mom had sort-of controlled her anger - apologies were made and accepted and a new resolution to put things into proper perspective was reached. SB had previously gotten very angry, while I was away at the (blech blech blech) commissary (grocery shopping AGAIN) and he essentially told the other two that dad and mom could f-off and all sorts of lovely things. Plus, he broke his glasses, by throwing them on the ground (bent; chipped; still can use them until his appointment and new glasses are made) when he said they "fell" in his fit of rage outside. That's when I pulled the desk over. Mind, my point was that when we are upset and so angry we see RED, it's best to not do anything and not say anything. Period. Again, I explained why anger is so destructive. I reiterated that anger is caused by two things: someone or something has hurt you (in any way) and you experience righteous anger (though, retribution should only be PRAYER and FORGIVENESS); the other cause is not getting what you want. Not getting what you want is the root cause 99% of the time of uncontrolled anger. Breaking your glasses is rage, not anger. Not getting to play the PC Internet game until you raise your grades is not a valid reason for such rage.

As you have read along, you see how crazy it got here. At least the worst thing I did was say "f- you" back to him (I know, that is the real shame here, because I was so indignant and infuriated that he would disrespect the parents so much in front of his siblings - just outrageous!). I just LOST it. After I said it, the shame and remorse set in, almost calming me to apologize . . . then I focused my energy and pulled the desk over (gently, trust me) thinking I was making some point about anger and breaking things. I did ask, "Now, tell me. Did that solve anything or make things worse?" Of course, when any of them could speak again, it was SB who said, "Worse".

Being the melancholic I tend to be, I brewed and stewed and remorsed myself into oblivion the rest of the weekend. Heavy sorrow filling my heart, even though I knew it would all be okay. It has to be, because I do trust God that much.

The other stress points: the packers are coming Wednesday to calculate how many boxes and how long it will take them to pack us up in May. The same evening, (this is very GOOD news, though) a friend will come by and take Galadriel to their home and see if she's a "fit" for them over the weekend. If so, she won't be coming back. I pray, of course, that she fits perfectly, because this family loves animals and t'would be a good home for her. Still, it is a bit heartbreaking. BUT: no more cats. I'm done. I love them, but they shed too much and it sets off my mild allergies enough to make me ill. Also, there is someone who is interested in possibly buying our washer/dryer set. It is all coming together even if it feels like it is all coming apart.

Another thing that has been tearing away at me is my imperfect execution of my penance. My penance is to continue all through Lent - I've done it so imperfectly since confession the Sunday after Ash Wednesday. So, I hope to see a priest this week and avail myself to God's mercy.

Divine Mercy Novena begins Good Friday. Won't you join us?